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October 24, 2017

Random Thoughts and Personal Comment(s)

I don’t write like “others? I tell a story with humor and seriousness and have not been influenced by what the world thinks or does. January’s Heat is fiction and was a bastard effort at writing that took 7 years. Heaven's Luck is semi-non-fiction in a free fire war zone that was organized with a firm beginning, middle and end in mind and only took four months to write. Remembering Tomorrow was actually fun to write and took a year, mostly because I was busy living on the water, sleeping late, and living the retired life.

Comments about the work place and its people I’ve learned over 43 years in the work force: My mother told me as I was growing up, “…it’s who you know and not what you know that opens doors.?What she did not tell me was that it would be what I knew and how I interacted with others that would keep me in the work force. She was a real bitch most of the time, but every once in a while, she would come up with a pearl of wisdom. It’s all a big game. I’m not cynical ?I am a realist and have seen the whole show in operation. I firmly believe you have to have the right credentials to get started ?then it’s all how you play the game. You have to understand any woman who would name her son "Harold" had be a bit twisted, so take my philosophy for what it’s worth.

I’m the easiest person in the world to get along with BUT there is one thing that really sticks in my craw - I know it shouldn't, but it does: Why do you start ALL conversation with asking how someone is doing when you don’t care to hear the answer? To say, “How are you??/b> is asking a question. Soooooo, Having said that I said this in a short story once and it seem to kinda makes sense...."As a human race we use communication as a way to live, love and survive. Sometimes our communication skills fail and people are left at odds with others. For example when someone says to you, “How are you??they are not asking a question but is meant mealy as a greeting. Granted, the question is a question but not meant as a question but in the language of greeting it is understood as not asking a question but mealy a way to start a conversation." Soooo maybe I should just shut up, go sit in a corner and wait to be called.

How I feel about Retirement

Doctor - "I have good news and bad news." Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first." Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left." Patient: "OH NO! That's awful! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???" Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?" "No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a coke."

For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents." "Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.."

I know the last one was a bit lame but hang in there, they get better before they get bad again...

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-5. Please be careful!" "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales. "Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it. The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.

Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is?" A few minutes later, Timmy returned. "Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?" "She's fine, except that she's angry at you." "At me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?" "She said 'It's none of your business how old she is,'" snickered Timmy.

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37." "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

I've sure gotten old. I've had two By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But.....Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps." The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps." Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?' "Twenty-six," he said.

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes". The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..." After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal. "Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques-visulization, association-it made a huge difference for me." "That's great! What was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is "Your Passionate" They drove awhile longer and asked again, again the same response as she stroked his arm "Your Passionate". The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, Look we have driven around this City for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live. She replied I keep trying to tell you: "Your Passing It!"

The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it. The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

As for myself, I have become a little older since I saw you last and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become quite a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. I immediately go to see John. After that Charlie Horse comes along, and he really takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays for the rest of the day. However, he doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he just takes me from joint to joint. Finally after such a busy tiring day, I'm really glad to be able to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life!! P.S. The preacher came by the other day. He said at my age, I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him, 'Oh I do all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen or down in the basement, I ask myself...'What am I here after?'

A husband a wife were celebrating their 90th wedding anniversary, and the media was there to document the occasion. One of the reporters asked the secret to their successful marriage and longevity. The wife replied that they had never been sick. The young reporter was astonished and to confirm said, "So, you've never been bedridden." And the wife quickly replied, "Oh, 1000's of times, and twice in a buggy."

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office. "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think you're 'sex drive' is all in your head?" "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!" Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10, so I don't worry about you." 10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock... Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flies open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom. Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys???" No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself. "What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty. "Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!"

Three old-timers were relating their most exciting experiences. The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with the Dalton gang. The others agreed it sounded pretty exciting. The second gentleman was a retired fireman. He told about a huge fire at the university, where young coeds jumped naked from their dorm windows into his arms. The other gentlemen all agreed that sounded pretty exciting. The third retiree began his story, "I was an undertaker. One night I got a call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a huge erection sticking straight up. I knew I couldn't take him through the lobby that way, so I found an old broom handle and hit that erection just as hard as I could." The old man paused. "You talk about excitement," he continued, "I was in the wrong damn room!"

An old man goes to the doctor to ask him an important question. "Doctor, when I was in my 20's, it took both of my hands to push down my hard-on. When I was in my 30's, it took one hand to push down my hard-on. When I was in my 50's, it took three fingers to push down my hard-on. Now that I'm in my 60's, it only takes one finger to push down on my hard-on! So what I'm basically trying to ask you is? How strong am I going to get?"

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily function's. One seventy year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee." An eighty year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement." The ninety year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow." "So what's your problem?" asked the others. "I don't wake up until nine."

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face." The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers." The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I had sex three times!"

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained. "These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others. "The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior. After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"

A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30. He is persuaded to have a medical exam first. "Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I'm sexually fit," he says to the doctor. "O.K.,." says the medic, "Let me see your sex organs." So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"

A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the Playboy movie channel. He looked at her and asked, "Do you think we can still do that?" "Well, we can sure try!" she answered. So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor. "What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked. "Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!"

An elderly couple, living apart, had been dating for several years. One day Elmer said to Betsy, "We should stop this nonsense. We are paying two rents, two car insurance payments, buying separate food and cooking separate meals. We should just move in together. Betsy: Whose house would we live in? Elmer: Mine, it is already paid for. Betsy: Whose car would we keep and pay insurance on? Elmer: Yours, it is newer and runs better than mine. Betsy: Who would do the cooking? Elmer: You cook and I'll do the dishes. Betsy: What about sex? Elmer: Infrequently. Betsy: Is that one word or two?

When the great French leader, Charles deGaulle, decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle. "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scenes for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?" "A penis," replied Madame deGaulle. A hush fell over the room. Everyone had heard her answer ... and no one knew what to say next. Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and, with complete aplomb, said, "Ma Cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, "AP-piness..."

80-year-old Bessie bursts exuberantly into the recreation room. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces: "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and nods, "Close enough!"

Later. in the same retirement home, two of the female residents were interested in two of the gentlemen living in the same home but, try as they might, they couldn't get the attention of the men. Then, one of the women had a brilliant idea. "Why don't we strip off our clothes and streak past them in the TV room?" The second woman reluctantly agreed that this might work. The very next day, they mustered up their courage, took off their clothes, and ran past the two men as fast as they could, giggling all the way. One man turned to the other and said, "Joe, was that Irma that just ran past us?" The other one said, "I think so, but what the hell was she wearing?" The first one said, "I don't know, but it sure needed ironing!"

Gladys and Myrtle had been close friends for years in the home. Every day they'd go to the dining hall together and then every evening they'd rock together on the porch. One night, Gladys, who had been lost in thought for quite awhile, turned to Myrtle and asked, "Can I ask you a really personal question?" "Sure, go ahead," said Myrtle. "Did you and Fred ever have mutual orgasms?" asked Gladys. Myrtle contemplated for quite a while. "No,

Happiness is being retired and beginning to need to take a wide variety of astronomically priced medications whose side effects are far worse than the condition they seek to cure.

Dosage: Take two tablets every six hours for joint pain. Side effects: This drug may cause joint pain, nausea, headache, or shortness of breath. You may also experience muscle aches, rapid heartbeat, and ringing in the ears. If you feel faint, call your doctor. Do not consume alcohol while taking this pill. Likewise, avoid red meat, shellfish and vegetables. O.K. foods: Flounder. Under no circumstances eat yak. Men can expect painful urination while sitting, especially if the organ is caught between the toilet seat and the bowl. Projectile vomiting is common in thirty per cent of users--sorry, fifty percent. If you undergo disorienting nausea accompanied by migraine and raspy breathing, double the dosage. Leg cramps are to be expected: One knee-buckler per day is normal. Bowel movements may become frequent-- in fact, every ten minutes. If bowel movements become greater than twelve per hour, consult your doctor, or any doctor, or just anyone who will speak to you. You may find yourself becoming lost or vague. This would be a good time to write a screenplay. Do not pilot a plane, unless you are among the ten percent of users who experience "spontaneous test-pilot knowledge." If your hair begins to smell like burning tires, move away from any buildings or populated area, and apply tincture of iodine to the head until you no longer hear what could be taken for a "countdown."

My boss came in one morning and caught me hugging my secretary. He said in a rage, "Is this what you get paid for ?" I told him, "Nope ! I do this for free."

This same boss was into all this dumb inspirational and motivation stuff too. I remember once he posted a sign which read "Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday." I couldn't resist and added a note: "And now you know why too".

Once I came upon this pretty new temp standing in front of the paper shredder with a confused look on her face. I asked if she needed any help and she said, "Yeah, how does this thing work ?" I took the papers from her hand and demonstrated how to work the shredder. She stood there a moment with yet another confused expression, so I said, "Any questions ?" She said, "Yeah, exactly where do the copies come out from ?"

A zebra's retirement There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could retire and spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited, she got out of the horse float to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, "Hi! I'm a zebra. What are you?" "I'm a cow," said the cow. "Right, right, what do you do?" "I make milk for the farmer." "Cool." The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?" "I'm a chicken," said the chicken. "Oh, right, what do you do?" "I make eggs for the farmer." "Right, great, see ya round." Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?" "I am a Stallion," said the stallion. "Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?" "Take off your pajamas, darling, and I'll show you."

Sixty-nine airline pilots have petitioned the FAA to waive the mandatory retirement age of 60 so they may continue ferrying passengers as long as they remain in good health. Danger signs that your pilot may be one of the old-timers: Has to use an orthopedic joystick. Cockpit has wheelchair access. Refers to in-flight meal as "Early Bird Special." Turn signal on wing continues flashing long after plane has landed. Logo on tail changed to read "Strom Thurmond Air!" Walker next to gate has wings on it. Pilot seat has built-in hemorrhoid cushion. Oxygen masks all drop in the cockpit now...

Don't wait for retirement to be happy and really start living. Invariably, people who try this find out that they have waited much too long.

Welfare is not a retirement plan

An elegant sufficiency, content, Retirement, rural quiet, friendship, books, Ease and alternate labour, useful life, Progressive virtue, and approving heaven!

Heaven, that’s my retirement plan.

Retirement is when the living is easy and the payments are hard.

Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.

I really stay busy [in retirement]. I often have to cancel my golf games on the weekends to go play in tennis tournaments.

Sooner or later I'm going to die, but I'm not going to retire.

The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before your boss does.

Retirement is the time when you never do all the things you intended to do when you were still working.

Don’t you stay at home of evenings? Don’t you love a cushioned seat In a corner, by the fireside, with your slippers on your feet?

It's All in How You Play the Game, Isn't It? Let's see now. How will I know when I am a senior. Hmmmmmmm..... Some places give me a senior's discount at 55, some at 60 and some at 65. My government pension will be sent to me when I am 65. My company will arbitrarily retire me at 65. (I'm going to beat them to the punch and retire at 60.) So that means that parts of our society think 'senior' begins at 55. How will I personally know? Well, with a little bit of luck, I don't think I'll ever know. It's all in how you play the game, isn't it?

A lot of our friends complain about their retirement. We tell 'em to get a life.

Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money.

Fear no more the heat o?th?sun, Nor the furious winter’s rages. Thou thy worldly task hast done, Home art gone and ta’en thy wages.

When you see some people work you wonder what they’ll do in retirement.

He who laughs last at the boss's jokes probably isn't far from retirement.

What does a government retiree miss most about not having a job? Not being able to call in sick two or three times a month.

How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it will take him two or three days to complete the job.

What do you call a worker who is of retirement age, hates his job, and refuses to retire? Flat broke!

When is it a retiree's bedtime? Two hours after he falls asleep on the sofa.

What do retirees call a long lunch? A short lunch.

What is the typical retiree's greatest frustration? Not being able to complete all the things he had planned to do that don't need to get done in the first place.

What is the typical government retiree's idea of intense physical exercise? A good brisk sit!

Retired is being twice tired, I've thought First tired of working, Then tired of not.

Learn to live well, or fairly make your will; You’ve played, and loved, and ate, and drunk your fill: Walk sober off; before a sprightlier age Comes tittering on, and shoves you from the stage: Leave such to trifle with more grace and ease, Whom Folly pleases, and whose Follies please.

The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.

There are some who start their retirement long before they stop working.

Come, my friends, 'Tis not too late to seek a newer world. Push off, and sitting well in order smite The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths Of all the western stars, until I die. It may be that the gulfs will wash us down: It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles, And see the great Achilles, whom we knew. Tho' much is taken, much abides; and tho' We are not now that strength which in old days Moved the earth and heaven; that which we are, we are; One equal temper of heroic hearts, Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

One of the problems of retirement is that it gives you more time to read about the problems of retirement.

Retirement can be a great joy if you can figure out how to spend time without spending money.

In retirement, I look for days off from my days off.

We have no porch, no rocking chair ?and no time. My biggest need is a calendar because there are so many things to do. Now I encourage people to retire ?the younger the better.

A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell.

Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left.

Sixty-five is the age when one acquires sufficient experience to lose one's job.

Before deciding to retire from your job, stay home a week and watch daytime television.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five, I still had pimples.

Age [and retirement] appear to be best in four things ?old wood best to burn, old wine to drink, old friends to trust, and old authors to read.

I'm retired ?I'm not dead!

RETIREMENT: The time in your life when time is no longer money.

There are so many other interesting ways to spend your time. I feel like early retirement is a gift, but it's such an incredible gift. It's a gift I need to use.

A retired man went to a doctor for a general check-up. The doctor told the retiree that everything was fine and that, in fact, he was "in real good shape for a man of 93.? "That's good to know because I'm getting married in two weeks," said the retiree. "Getting married! That's wonderful! Who's the lucky bride?" asked the doctor. The retiree replied, "She's a 27-year-old bar maid I met at the local pub." "Only 27!" The doctor paused before he advised, "Then you will need some Viagra." The man replied, "No way, I never take drugs of any type. It's against my principles." The doctor took some more time before he responded with: "You are in good shape, but nevertheless you are 93. May I suggest that you and your wife take in a boarder?" "Why a boarder?" asked the retiree. "Well, you know, at your age," winked the doctor, "you may not be able to do all the things a young woman would like a husband to do around the house. A boarder will be able to help." The retiree shrugged and said, "I guess you are right," as he walked out of the office. A year later, the retiree, now 94, came back to the doctor for another checkup. "How's married life?" asked the doctor. "Amazing, it couldn't be better. I should have remarried years ago." "How's your wife?" asked the doctor. "She's doing fine," announced the retiree, "and she's pregnant." "Pregnant!" exclaimed the doctor. "I take it that you took in a boarder who has fit in quite well?" "'Yes, and she's pregnant too," grinned the retiree.

Irish Retirement Blessing May you always have work for your hands to do. May your pockets hold always a coin or two. May the sun shine bright on your windowpane. May the rainbow be certain to follow each rain. May the hand of a friend always be near you. And may God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

The Republican Party is a friend of Social Security the way Colonel Sanders was a friend of chickens.

Retirement means doing whatever I want to do. It means choice.

When some people retire, it's going to be mighty hard to tell the difference.

When you retire, think and act as if you were still working; when you're still working, think and act a bit as if you were already retired.

The way retirement is shaping up, how will one know for sure when he or she has retired?

The harder you work, the harder it is to surrender.

Sex is Number 1 of my Top 10 joys in retirement. Number 2 is reading How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free. I forgot the other 8.

The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income.

Yes, I am thoroughly enjoying retirement! The best part is observing my neighbors drive off to work in the morning knowing that that their day will be filled with jerks, brainless and endless meetings, jerks, vendor lunches where you hold your breath just waiting for the sales pitch until you regurgitate your pasta, more jerks and the eventual company reorganization of the section that was just reorganized last month!

I have now the gloomy prospect of retiring from office loaded with serious debts, which will materially affect the tranquility of my retirement. ?Thomas Jefferson

There are more pleasant things to do than beat up people. ?Muhammad Ali (on the occasion of one of his retirements)

More Retirement Sayings The worst thing about retirement is having to drink coffee on your own time.

The key to a happy retirement is to have enough money to live on, but not enough to worry about.

I am a free man. I feel as light as a feather. ?Javier Pérez de Cuéllar (b. 1920), Peruvian diplomat, Secretary-General of U.N.

The student who secures his coveted leisure and retirement by systematically shirking any labor necessary to man obtains but an ignoble and unprofitable leisure, defrauding himself of the experience which alone can make leisure fruitful. ?Henry David Thoreau

Retirement is waking up in the morning with nothing to do and by bedtime having done only half of it.

Have you ever been out for a late autumn walk in the closing part of the afternoon, and suddenly looked up to realize that the leaves have practically all gone? And the sun has set and the day gone before you knew it ?and with that a cold wind blows across the landscape? That's retirement.

The only liberty an inferior man really cherishes is the liberty to quit work, stretch out in the sun, and scratch himself.

No longer having to punch a time clock is my definition of retirement. That way I could do what I want ?when I want ?anytime I want.

I don't even think about a retirement program because I'm working for the Lord, for the Almighty. And even thought the Lord's pay isn't very high, his retirement program is, you might say, out of this world. ?George Foreman

There are a lot of books telling you how to manage when you retire. What most people want is one that’ll tell them how to manage in the meantime.

The way I see it, you will have attained true freedom in this world when you can get up in the morning when you want to get up; go to sleep when you want to go to sleep; and in the interval, work and play at the things you want to work and play ?all at your own pace. The great news is that retirement allows you the opportunity to attain this freedom.

There is an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job. ?Peter F. Drucker

Retirement is wonderful if you have two essentials ?much to live on and much to live for.

I'm retired ?goodbye tension, hello pension!

Most people perform essentially meaningless work. When they retire that truth is borne upon them. ?Brendan Francis

Lord Tyrawley and I have been dead these two years, but we don't choose to have it known. ?Lord Chesterfield

Eating's going to be a whole new ball game. I may even have to buy a new pair of trousers. ?Lester Piggott (b. 1935), British champion jockey. On his retirement.

Men and women approaching retirement age should be recycled for public service work, and their companies should foot the bill. We can no longer afford to scrap-pile people. ?Maggie Kuhn (1905-1995), U.S. civil rights activist

There is a whole new kind of life ahead, full of experiences just waiting to happen. Some call it "retirement." I call it bliss. ?Betty Sullivan

Forget how old you are ?this gets more important the older you get. ?from How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free

Enjoy every retirement day as if it was your last and one day you will be right about it.

I advise you to go on living solely to enrage those who are paying your annuities. It is the only pleasure I have left. ?Voltaire (in retirement)

The great thing about show business is that there's no mandatory retirement age. ?Scott Bakula

When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch.

When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income. ?Chi Chi Rodriguez

Am I retired already? It's possible. I'm having way too much fun for this [job] to be work. ?Robin Fowler

A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job. ?Ella Harris

I think my idea of retirement might be to one day work a 40-hour week.

When men reach their sixties and retire, they go to pieces. Women go right on cooking.

I pant for retirement and leisure, but am doomed to inexpressible and almost unsupportable hurry.

Retirement: It's nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese. ?Gene Perret

The gradually declining years are among the sweetest in a man's life.

In retirement, only money and symptoms are consequential.

To retire is the beginning of death.

As to that leisure evening of life, I must say that I do not want it. I can conceive of no contentment of which toil is not to be the immediate parent.

In this country . . . men seem to live for action as long as they can and sink into apathy when they retire. ?Charles Francis Adams, Sr.

But what, it may be asked, are the requisites for a life of retirement? A man may be weary of the toils and torments of business, and yet quite unfit for the tranquil retreat. Without literature, friendship, and religion, retirement is in most cases found to be a dead, flat level, a barren waste, and a blank. Neither the body nor the soul can enjoy health and life in a vacuum.

Three sons left home early in life, went out on their own, and all three prospered in their own ways. Getting together one day, they discussed the gifts they recently gave to their elderly retired mother. The first boasted, "I bought mom a Mercedes limousine and even hired a chauffeur since she can't drive. The limo alone cost over $150,000." The second replied, "I had a big mansion built for mom. It's worth well over $500,000." The third smiled and wryly proclaimed, "I've got you both beat. Remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? Of course you know she can't see very well. I sent her an awesome parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders at a church over fifteen years to train him. He's one of a kind in this world. All mom has to do is name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it. I paid more for the parrot than what the two of you spent on the house and limousine." Not long after, the elderly mother sent out her letters of thanks, with a particular mention of how much she liked each the gifts. "Jim," she wrote to the first son, "I am too old to travel. I stay home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes. The driver does nothing most of the day. Besides, he is a bit rude!" "Todd," she wrote to the second, "the house you had built for me is so huge. I live in only one room. It takes me a whole day to clean the whole house." "Dearest Eric," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your mother truly likes. Although a bit more work in preparing it than I am used to, the chicken was delicious."

Retirement is a time to make the inner journey and come face to face with your flaws, failures, prejudices, and all the factors that generate thoughts of unhappiness. Retirement is not a time to sleep, but a time to awaken to the beauty of the world around you and the joy that comes when you cast out all the negative elements that cause confusion and turmoil in your mind and allow serenity to prevail. ?Howard Salzman

I think it [retirement] beats the heck out of life after death, that's for sure. ?Martina Navratilova

Don't simply retire from something; have something to retire to. ?Harry Emerson Fosdick

The company gave me an aptitude test and I found out the best work I was best suited for was retirement.

I like retirement life. It's something to do when no one wants you to work anymore.

Preparation for old age should begin not later than one's teens. A life which is empty of purpose until 65 will not suddenly become filled on retirement.

The thing to do is to make so much money that you don't have to work after the age of twenty-seven. In case this is impractical, stop working at the earliest moment, even if it is a quarter past eleven in the morning of the day when you find you have enough money. ?Robert Benchley

You can be young without money but you can't be old without it. ?Tennessee Williams

Retirement is the ugliest word in the language. ?Ernest Hemingway

Musicians don't retire; they stop when there's no more music in them. ?Louis Armstrong

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